Wind AND rain - walking the talk

As a doctor, I require all my patients to have a colonoscopy at age 50, 40 if they have risk factors, to screen for colon cancer. I have found precancer in someone as young as 31… I sent him on a gut feeling. I send most of my patients to Chuck, a kind, gentle, and funny doctor whom they all end up loving. So when Chuck reminded me that I needed to begin my colonoscopies at age 40 (I was already a couple years beyond that) I did what any good doctor would do… I put it off.

This year, with a lot of prompting from my family and Guy, I made an appointment to have it done with all my other yearly maintenance appointments. First, the dentist. Then the blood work. And so on. This week was the week for the butt check.

I arranged with a good friend to drive me. She has been through this procedure, though she is much younger than I, and was delighting in knowing what I would go through… that’s what friends are for. She shared tales of spending most of the evening on the throne while her sister sat with her and entertained her. Sisters must be a great thing to have. At least I had some advanced knowledge of what would happen to my evening.

I was supposed to begin my prep at noon. Trouble is, I’m not off work at noon. Add to that my scheduled eye appointment was at 3:30. Since my “procedure” wasn’t until 3 p.m. I figured I could put off the prep a bit. So, when I got home and mixed the first glass of prep, it was 4:30. I couldn’t read the bottle because my eyes were dilated from the eye doctor. Turns out I took dose 2 instead of dose 1, the only difference being the amount so I took a little out of the dose 1 bottle too. Then I waited.

Everyone has told me tales of eruptions of volcanic proportion beginning about 10 minutes after swallowing the first sip of Fleets phosphosoda. After a day of nothing but clear liquids, I was pretty sure they would be accurate about the speed. I tried to do a few things around the house but being unable to see, I couldn’t accomplish much. Half an hour into the process, my friend called to see I things were coming out all right… I told her I hadn’t started. Evidently, I'm not nearly as FOS as she is. Finally, it hit and within 1 ½ hrs the basics of the prep were done… unfortunately, I still had two doses left to go.

These preps work by pulling water into the colon which causes everything to flush out. Needless to say, it is impossible to drink enough to keep up. Right after you take it, your body also dumps a lot of water into the belly making you wish things would go the other direction too… All in all, I would lose 5 lbs of water in the process. It is important to note that it is not a good idea to “break wind” since, in this case, wind is always accompanied by torrential rains.

I did manage a little sleep overnight and drank plenty of water before 11 a.m. My appointment was at 3 and I was to stop drinking water at 11. Think about it, I’ve lost about 5 lbs of water and then I can’t drink for 4 hrs. As soon as I arrive they are supposed to put in an IV. Do you think they can find a vein? Nope. Well, actually they did but it felt like Doug was trying to dissect it out rather than poke it with a needle. Not that Doug isn’t good at IVs but my veins roll and weren’t all that obvious. I offered to do pushups which made Doug laugh… he offered to do them with me. My friend informed him I was serious. After 3 tries, he finally found one that he could hit. I was ready to be wheeled into the room.

About that time the Marquis de Chuck arrived. I presented him with a gift… a book I had found while packing books during my prep. It was called “The Day my Butt Went Psycho.” I’m hoping he was kind and gentle since I brought him a gift… but about then, Doug gave me something in the IV and the next thing I knew I was in the recovery area with my friend beside me. She had lots of witty things to say but I was still in and out so I can pretend I didn’t hear any of it. She had my report complete with photos that prove that my head is NOT up my arse.

We stopped by Chuck’s open house at his new endoscopy center… a lovely, homey place to have someone look where no one has looked before. The event was catered and it had been nearly 48 hours since I’d had anything but clear liquids. Shrimp in phyllo cups, cheese, puff pastry with smoked salmon, and these fabulous, grilled, bacon-wrapped dates with almond and cream cheese. I know, I don’t eat bacon but I had to have a bite!

In the end it all came out fine. In fact, it’s something I highly recommend… but you don’t have to like it.