Co-inky-dink

Today at lunch, I ate something simple out of the fridge at work. This is likely to be a dangerous adventure but not for the reasons I experienced today. Today Paula was the gutsy one, eating leftover cold pizza from last Thursday. I opted for my frozen Amy's organic burrito and a yogurt.

i promise I thawed the burrito... I really did. But by the time lunch was over, I had a small chip out of one of my front teeth. It was very sharp and threatened my tongue. My tongue seemed intrigued and wouldn't stay away.

Then I remembered that about 2 weeks ago we went to a wine tasting. The host introduced us to a new DO here in town whose wife is a dentist. So, I started calling around until I found her. She fixed my tooth straightaway and suggested I send her some patients in return.

Thank you

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I woke up this morning with the electric blanket still on from last night. How fitting that yesterday ended in an 18 below chill.

I realized that I get to wake up and go to work. My world goes on as before. Not so for some others in the neighborhood. I feel for them. But I have to remember to feel what is mine to feel. I send them love, peace, and warmth. It seems like so little but it is what I have to give.

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My computer at work got renamed today. It got named "Sparky." Unfortunately, that also means the my computer at work doesn't work any more. It'll be a week or so before I get a new one.

All I know is it's a bad thing when you let the smoke out.

Cold

White smoke curling against ashen skies
dirty snow ground into dark asphalt
a running man
in leaden sweats
heaves his way across a steel bridge

Color
has drained from this icy world
with dawn bringing bad news
even the holy ground
is too frozen to bury the dead

The living heap their grief
like fuel
on some cold fire
and shed steaming tears
that disappear into dust

I run away
to return only
when night has blanketed the world
in forgiving darkness
the yellow light of windows
giving the illusion of heat

Silouettes of comfort
talking
against the back drop of artificial light
there is nothing we can do
to heal hearts cracked wide by loss
except to hold their name in warmth

I would gather those I love
close to me
more for peace than protection
and touch them with hope
that there will always be tomorrow

LB
12/13/08

The Bottom Line

The bottom line has sunk nearly all the way to hell. The balance sheet is decidedly unbalanced. And I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and making a trench in the mud.

A few years back, Reverend Lawrence did a series of seminars on Abundance. I wish I had those sermons to listen to now. He talked at length about the perception of "lack." I'm feeling kind of stuck there now.

I don't have any real lack... just this anticipation and sense that it's hovering around me like a buzzard waiting to pounce on the carrion of my budget.

I have a house. I can pay the heating bill. I have a wonderful man who loves me. There is always food to put on the table. My ski pass is already paid for, it costs nothing to go play save a bit of money for gas and those prices have bottomed out nicely.

So what's my problem?

I've been paid a bit more than I actually earned and am looking at paying my employer for the last month of the year. My income is about 1/2 what it was 2 years ago. I'm being asked to buy into the practice at a price that will nearly equal our house payment each month. And today, I had so few patients that my Medical Assistant made more money at her pathetic hourly rate than I did. My schedule for tomorrow is equally abysmal and Thursday I have no patients at all.

So now what? How do I get myself out of dwelling on that and remembering all of the wonderful abundance in my life? Maybe it's time to think about or get in touch with those who really do have a lot of lack... to donate my money and time at the local shelter. I miss my work with the homeless... it kept me grounded and in balance. But there is no work to be done with them up here. So maybe I should go serve meals... I can't care for them in the way I'm used to but perhaps I can spread a little caring in a different way. And be reminded what real lack looks like.

Winter Wondering Land

I remember the first snow
a few years ago
looking back
down the hill
in morning twilight
to see my footprints
paralled by Harley’s tracks

This morning
I went back to bed
rather than run alone
or dig out for the slick drive to the pool.
No cold nose
pushed me from my excuses

I dreamt last night
of another running friend
Some days, I’m amazed
how much he is on my mind
You don’t really know
what a difference the presence of another makes
until they are no longer present

Snow
will keep all but the sickest away
And I will get to sneak out early
to put on the running shoes
that are on ice in my car
Cold numbs me
to how bad they are itching
for a run

My missing friends
will join me in spirit
and I wonder
if I look sideways over my shoulder
how many sets of prints
I will see

LB 12/4/08
With loving memories of Red Spicer and Harley Bean

Random Thots

Today was our first real snow here in Fort Collins. I woke up to go to the gym and saw a couple inches on everything. I went back to bed rather than shovel snow at 5 a.m. to go get into a pool.

I woke up again at 7 and had to rush to leave for work. AT the last minute I was frantically shovelling 6 inches of snow and sweeping it off my car.

Snow makes our little off-white/gray house look even more drab. When we redecorate the outside we'll have to go with a more jazzy color. The front porch looks like a layer cake to me. It's treacherous in good weather. I'm not sure it's safe in this stuff.

Let Them Eat... Hot Chocolate

So there's a recession on, is there? Well, you wouldn't know it looking at the Williams Sonoma catalog. They have a Hot Chocolate Machine in there for $99. I have a hot chocolate machine. It's called a spoon. You put it in the mug with the ingredients and stir. If I wanna get fancy, I can use a whisk. Either of these can be bought used for less than a buck.